Yoga for People Pleasers
People pleasing is a common tendency which often leads to resentment, exhaustion and burnout. While yoga is great for addressing burnout, the practice can also help to reduce people pleasing in the first place.
Some signs that you might be a people pleaser include:
Prioritising other people's needs and wants over your own
Agreeing to do things you don't really want to
Apologising a lot
Identifying as an 'empath', picking up on other people's moods
An over-crowded schedule
Letting other people make decisions for you or going along with that others' want
Worrying about what other people think about you
Hands up if any of those sound familiar 🙋♀️
People pleasing is especially common in those of us raised as female, or in marginalised groups. We get praised for being nice and helpful as children, and when we grow up our values are often based on how supportive we are to other people in our work and family lives. On top of this, if you have a menstrual cycle, oestrogen (which is at its highest level around ovulation, or your inner summer) can increase people pleasing, because this hormone is basically telling us to be nice to people so they will want to mate with us.
How yoga can help reduce people pleasing
People pleasing is a nervous system response - it's a way that your body tries to keep you safe in the face of real or perceived danger. You might have heard of the Fight or Flight response, and Fawn (aka people pleasing) is another option that your nervous system can take in response to stress.
In yoga you practice tuning in to your body. Often with people pleasing you might appear fine to other people, but inside you’re panicking. By noticing that your nervous system is activated and you're going into a people pleasing response, you can label your experience objectively, and avoiding spiraling. Instead of thinking 'I'm a pushover for not saying no', you can think 'my nervous system is just trying to keep me safe', which is a much kinder and neutral thought.
Once you've got the hang of neutral thoughts like this, you can work towards feeling gratitude towards your nervous system and people pleasing tendencies for trying to keep you safe.
When you notice you're in a people pleasing response, you can use yoga and breathing techniques (Pranayama) to ground yourself and down-regulate your nervous system. While it's unlikely you'll be able to roll out your mat there and then, simply slowing down your exhalations, and changing your posture will help to tell your nervous system that you are safe, and allow you to think more clearly.
Pausing for a couple of breaths when you notice yourself going into a people pleasing response, will also give you space to assess your options rather than jumping into an immediate yes. This is easier said than done, but is another skill that we practice in yoga, pausing to create space for your experience.
So, when you're in a situation where you're at risk of people pleasing:
Notice that your nervous system is activated, label your experience objectively
Pause, ground yourself, take some breaths
Assess all the options available to you
And choose the option that pleases you, not others
We’ll be working on addressing people pleasing further in Flow Cycle Yoga this month, with 4 recorded yoga classes and a live sharing circle.